im angry

I have got to say I wonder what the hell I have done in my life to deserve the bad juju ive been getting. Seriously have to wonder what possesses a person to just immerse themselves in someone they have only known one day and say ya know what I am gonna stay with them for a few days and don't tell anyone those are my plans. Let the person who is their so called friend freak out and think that they are dead in a ditch somewhere because the only reason they knew the person was gone was because of the missing items in the house. Got to love the self centered asshole that does that to someone. Friend??? Yea do not make me laugh. If it had been made I would have been read the riot act from one side of the room to the other. The excuse was and I quote "I got caught up..." Um say what? So lonely for companionship we diss the one person who had to deal with all their bullshit for fucking six years??? The drunken shouts and gropes, the ignoring of the word "NO"...the way that they made you feel like shit with just one word or heavy laced sarcasm. Why stay you ask...cuz I have no where else to go. My family is just another trap...already the offers for babysitting have come through. Yes this person does deserve happiness...but I swear to all that is good in this world if they ever say their life sucks and wooo is me my job sucks I am going to flip worse than I did today. I need a job, fiercely...I am so damn desperate it is not funny and yet I need something that pays well enough that I can get the hell out of here. Yeah right...not gonna happen. I wasted alot of my life with stupidity here and foolishly clung to a relationship that I thought would last...now I am a stupid single girl, I hardly like or talk to my family. the friends I have cannot take me in and I only have two good friends. I gotta say I am on the edge of my damn sanity and not even the pleasure of reading is taking the craziness off. I hate feeling so damn insecure and just not myself. I havent been happy in ages and I am starting to think that I will not be nor will I ever have that special someone who drives me crazy in a good way.

uh huh

yeah I have had any special moments today lol...apparently I am too easily annoyed when someone pokes the crap out of my stomach with a very sharp fingernail. Why do people did the silliest things are freaking hilarious? At last I have another job interview for an animal hospital here in jersey land. My three cats might appreciate the fact that I might not be home all the time but by far I would be so damn happy to be free. Everyone needs money and I am no different. Filing for bankruptcy at the tender age of 26 has kind of made me a bit wary of the green stuff.

Heres to wishing myself luck tomorrow.

Can it just go with the flow

Oh yes gotta love the day you get up and pretty much have no clue what the date is at all. Its one of the many wonders I have noticed with the whole bipolar episodes. Still I can deal with not knowing what date it is as opposed to leaving post it notes everywhere so I didn't "forget" anything. It was totally nuts and quite frankly even though I knew I was doing it there was no way to stop. I took one medication that pretty much made me hallucinate and hear voices...what kind of crap is that? I talk to myself enough as is. It has gotten better though except for the gaps in my memories. Its truly rotten what cards I am being dealt and not even the wonderful world of literature can take that away.

To say I have the gift of gab is a minor statement. I mean I almost painfully shy at times and yet I can talk a mile a minute to my close people. Everybody needs a good friend and I have yet to find that one person who might hold my hair if I had to puke lol. So Ive turned to writing stories again. I mean everyone says look at me I wrote a book publish now...I have read some stuff that I wondered if they slept with the higher ups to get the crap out there. I genuinely would love to get my writing out there. I write a lot of horror, suspense things which is not as easy as it sounds. I ponder plot, who is my lead character, should there be romance, or all blood and gore? Its crazy the thinking process you have to go through and I have to respect every author out there for doing such work. But in the end of the day as the world takes shape, the characters have a voice, and as you read something so imaginative and wild to me it would be worth the sacrifice of sleep, the piles of coffee to make something that says I did that. I guess I want to do something that will make me proud and of as of yet the decisions and the things I have done in my life so far make me sad and honestly a bit lonely.

Rambling who me????

I am not going to lie and say that its been all sunshine and roses lately. Lets see I am currently being threatened out of my current dwelling, um I live with an impossibly horny ex who will not leave me alone. I can not find a job nor can I go live with my family because they went all psycho on me many years ago for falling for someone despite the gender. 


Yeah ok I always have known that I was attracted to whatever makes the person but I was an abomination...apparently I was going to molest my baby sister because of my perversion... I mean what kinda sicko did they take me for. Alas now six years later I am out of my relationship, covered in tattoos and piercings and I have not made my family happy at all. OOO no the kicker was finding out I was bipolar and basically being put on a pill regiment. Ugh!!!


Okay so onward ho they say...smile be happy when all I really want to say is fuck off. How would you like to be groped and prodded by your drunken ex everyday and still know that this is a better situation than living with your mother. Is it too much to ask for true love or even a good form of love. Someone who will not treat you like a piece of meat...for fun happy times, for that person who will at least try to understand you and not slap you in the face with criticism or just not listen to you talk at all. 


So now I have become obsessed with the m/m genre lol. I know that am jumping here but I cant help it. I have read some fascinating tales as of late but by far my fave authors are Mary Calmes, Sandrine gasq-dion, amy lane, sean michael's velvet series, Josh lanyon, anitra-lynn Mcleod, stormy glenn, joyce flynn, and gabrielle evans. I am  not sure why I am interested in this genre perhaps because some others are so stale and the romances about sticking something in slot a and the girl sounds like some porn freak... I mean really some of the crap I have read has been well b-flickish. I think in my lifetime I have read about 10,000 books and that is not a stretch of the truth. In this past year I have read 1000 books already. Its scary lol. But I love to lose myself in a new world something unique that grabs my attention and drowns out my ex's ramblings... In between having migraines over not having a job and well a very drab sex life which unfortunately was over even when I was in my relationship...a girl needs her thrills and spills. 


Well I have probably killed peoples brain cells by now but alas I will return soon...just smile and hope I don't smack the crap out of my current living partner. (Ok I wouldnt do that but I am sorely tempted). 


Toodles


Tara